JAAR

Reflections on responsibility

“Being responsible sometimes means pissing people off.” 
― Colin Powell, On Leadership

"Get a job!" A phrase I hear on a regular basis.  Sometimes I have a job, sometimes I don't.  That's how it is.

The truth is, I change.  My interests fade, my goals adjust, and what I want most in life is to enjoy it, and not spend every minute of it in constant trepidation.  But occasionally, I still get stressed when what I have worked on, turns into crap.

Loving life, every minute of every disaster is not a small minded endeavor.  In fact, it's taking a lofty idea and applying it in a meaningful way.

If you are in pain, sick, or feeling overwhelmed there is nothing more beneficial you can do for yourself than to take a sick day, a vacation, anything to regain sanity.  I feel guilty writing this, because work is valued in our society.  We feel we need to work, we have to work. We want to be a person of value.

Although sometimes you simply cannot. You are in depths of unknown despair, and that is the time when you are the most vulnerable. At this time, you believe that besides work, there is nothing more that needs to be done. That everything that was once bothering you will suddenly eradicate on its own terms.

Not for one second do you take into account that you are responsible for your life and the choices you have made. You are responsible for the results of your actions and how people treated you. You are responsible for hiding your pain and the chaos buried in your soul.

It is a straightforward process. Acknowledge and accept who you once were, in order to become what you know you are. And for this you need to reflect, examine, and think.  Sometimes being responsible is to stand up for who you are, instead of working towards becoming what you are not.

What's underneath expensive dresses & diamonds?

“I smell heaven, the moment your voice makes its way from my ears to heart, it just happens, everytime. I would be as mad for you as you want me to be. I swear. Maybe, I am not privileged enough to afford the luxury of having you..., but still I would try. I would keep on trying...even if you are indifferent to it, even if my heart forgets to beat...” 
― Ankur Kumar Shah

There's a story unfolding and I am eager to write about it before it has begun.  See, it all happened last week when I bought that stunning dress followed by Swarovski earrings. It was irrational. Out of character, but it felt right.

In my mind, it all made perfect sense. I will wear them soon! What I thought I was buying was a majestically decorated room, candle lit dinners, and a luxurious lifestyle. I bought myself acceptance. I wanted to feel comfort in a way that I've never experienced it before.

There was a craving within me that wanted more and more, but patience was not a virtue I possessed.  Therefore I mistook everything for a sign.  I believed there was a reason I bought that dress, and maybe there was, I did eventually wear it but I would have been just as content without material things to surround myself with.

Actually, more than anything I wanted the luxury of having someone.  There are complicated relationships in life.  It's mysterious and it draws people in. As if there is a reason the stars align the way they do, nobody can tell you exactly why, but everyone has answers. There is also fear, that you won't see stars, and quite frankly that the illusion of life won't last forever.

A powerful exquisite romance is playing in my mind. It's all that I've ever known. To trust blindly. It doesn't matter anyway.  We are doing the same dance across the ballroom in the crevices of my heart. What a scary thought, isn't it? Thinking you understand someone, when you don't.

The brief moment his eyes are on me, I feel special.  But other than that, when he is gone and there's no story to fall back on, there is only an illusion that I no longer wish to have.  In a way, this is how I started boycotting everything I once desired. Setting fire to everything and everyone.

It's a risk I'm taking. To go after what I want, when I no longer need it in the same way.  I haven't thought about the future long and hard enough.  It comes and I enjoy it. I make no plans.  A mistake, they all say. But how do you prepare yourself for what you do not wish to know?

After learning the truth about my dream guy, I felt sorry for him, but more for myself.  He lies, cheats, and steals and after a while you realize that this is how he is treating you, with disregard. Maybe he is right, I was a fool to waste precious energy on him.

Progress is slow, sometimes there is only an end and you need to start anew.